Matty's final thoughts #7

Yesterday I was having a lovely walk in the park on my own, part of my new daily(ish) routine. I felt a group of men notice me and I just knew, in the way that some of us have become well versed at just knowing.

One sees you, nudges a mate (Yes, I regret to inform you social distancing was not in play here bbz) or points. Some laughing starts which then lead to shouted insults. Never original, and you know that you could wipe the floor with them in a battle of wit, but you also know that might not be the end of it if you do.

I know I don’t experience this as often or as intensely as some of my queer and trans family do, but I wanted to talk about it because it made me realise how safe I’ve felt having to spend very little time in a much quieter out side world.

I’ve really liked painting my nails and dying my hair without having to worry if I’m asking for trouble. Like some candy floss nail varnish and hair bleach mean you deserve to feel unsafe.

I haven’t missed that feeling over the last few months, face flushing red from the humiliation and a tinge of anger. Or The inner dialogue that maybe I deserved it, but protesting to myself that today I’m wearing dark colours and normal clothes so actually what I deserve is some peace.

We’re in a global pandemic and some A* dickheads can’t just let me take a walk. One where I don’t have to have my music on full volume so it’s easier to pretend I didn’t hear them.

How exhausting of you.